(Or: Why You Shouldn’t Ask Me For Advice)

Last night, I got an SMS from one of my flatmates:

do you know how to make lovebites go away quicker? bit of a situation on my hands. love taff xx

Well. I didn’t know what to say, having never been on the receiving end of a lovebite (or the giving end, for that matter) and the only practical advice I had was to cover them with a turtleneck, but that was hardly going to make them fade and everyone knows what’s going on if you wear a turtleneck and you don’t usually. Not wanting to leave her without a reply, I sent back the best thing I could think of:

Use a vacuum cleaner on the rest of your skin? They won’t go away, but they’ll be less obvious :) Kx

My battery died shortly afterwards so I heard nothing more until later that night, as I plugged in my charger and turned my phone back on to use it as an alarm and got the next installment of the story:

vacuumed my neck, not good, it got bigger. help! xx

Assuming she was joking with me too, I got into bed and went to sleep and managed to completely forget about it until I got back to the flat half an hour ago, where I was met by an unamused Taff, whose neck was covered in purple bruises.

I expect I’ll get my comeuppance for this.